TWELFTH NIGHT

Act 1 Scene 3

(Enter Sir Toby Belch and Maria)
l1l	Sir Toby	 What a plague means my niece to take the death
l2l		of her brother thus? I am sure care’s an enemy to life.
l3l	Maria	By my troth, Sir Toby, you must come in earlier
l4l		o’ nights. Your cousin, my lady, takes great exceptions
l5l		to your ill hours.
l6l	Sir Toby	Why, let her except, before excepted.
l7l	Maria	Ay, but you must confine yourself within the
l8l		modest limits of order.
l9l	Sir Toby	Confine? I’ll confine myself no finer than I am.
l10l		These clothes are good enough to drink in, and so be
l11l		these boots too# an they be not, let them hang
l12l		themselves in their own straps.
l13l	Maria	That quaffing and drinking will undo you. I heard
l14l		my lady talk of it yesterday, and of a foolish knight
l15l		that you brought in one night here to be her wooer.
l16l	Sir Toby	Who, Sir Andrew Aguecheek?
l17l	Maria	Ay, he.
l18l	Sir Toby	He’s as tall a man as any’s in Illyria.
l19l	Maria	What’s that to th’ purpose?
l20l	Sir Toby	Why, he has three thousand ducats a year.
l21l	Maria	Ay, but he’ll have but a year in all these ducats.
l22l		He’s a very fool, and a prodigal.
l23l	Sir Toby	Fie that you’ll say so! He plays o’ th’ viol-de-
l24l		gamboys, and speaks three or four languages word for
l25l		word without book, and hath all the good gifts of
l26l		nature.
l27l	Maria	He hath indeed, almost natural, for besides that
l28l		he’s a fool, he’s a great quarreller, and but that he
l29l		hath the gift of a coward to allay the gust he hath in
l30l		quarrelling, ’tis thought among the prudent he would
l31l		quickly have the gift of a grave.
l32l	Sir Toby	By this hand, they are scoundrels and substractors
l33l		that say so of him. Who are they?
l34l	Maria	They that add, moreover, he’s drunk nightly in
l35l		your company.
l36l	Sir Toby	With drinking healths to my niece. I’ll drink to
l37l		her as long as there is a passage in my throat and
l38l		drink in Illyria. He’s a coward and a coistrel that will
l39l		not drink to my niece till his brains turn o’ th’ toe, like
l40l		a parish top. What wench, Castiliano, vulgo, for here
l41l		comes Sir Andrew Agueface.
		(Enter Sir Andrew Aguecheek)
l42l	Sir Andrew	 Sir Toby Belch! How now, Sir Toby Belch?
l43l	Sir Toby	Sweet Sir Andrew.
l44l	Sir Andrew	(to Maria)
		 Bless you, fair shrew.
l45l	Maria	And you too, sir.
l46l	Sir Toby	Accost, Sir Andrew, accost.
l47l	Sir Andrew	What’s that?
l48l	Sir Toby	My niece’s chambermaid.
l49l	Sir Andrew	Good Mistress Accost, I desire better
l50l		acquaintance.
l51l	Maria	My name is Mary, sir.
l52l	Sir Andrew	Good Mistress Mary Accost.
l53l	Sir Toby	You mistake, knight. “Accost” is front her, board
l54l		her, woo her, assail her.
l55l	Sir Andrew	By my troth, I would not undertake her in
l56l		this company. Is that the meaning of “accost”?
l57l	Maria	Fare you well, gentlemen.
l58l	Sir Toby	An thou let part so, Sir Andrew, would thou
l59l		mightst never draw sword again.
l60l	Sir Andrew	An you part so, mistress, I would I might
l61l		never draw sword again. Fair lady, do you think you
l62l		have fools in hand?
l63l	Maria	Sir, I have not you by th’ hand.
l64l	Sir Andrew	Marry, but you shall have, and here’s my
l65l		hand.
l66l	Maria	(taking his hand)
		 Now sir, thought is free. I pray
l67l		you, bring your hand to th’ buttery-bar, and let it
l68l		drink.
l69l	Sir Andrew	Wherefore, sweetheart? What’s your metaphor?
	71 
	Maria	It’s dry, sir.
l72l	Sir Andrew	Why, I think so. I am not such an ass but I
l73l		can keep my hand dry. But what’s your jest?
l74l	Maria	A dry jest, sir.
l75l	Sir Andrew	Are you full of them?
l76l	Maria	Ay, sir, I have them at my fingers’ ends. Marry,
l77l		now I let go your hand I am barren.
		(Exit)
l78l	Sir Toby	 O knight, thou lackest a cup of canary. When
l79l		did I see thee so put down?
l80l	Sir Andrew	Never in your life, I think, unless you see
l81l		canary put me down. Methinks sometimes I have no
l82l		more wit than a Christian or an ordinary man has#
l83l		but I am a great eater of beef, and I believe that does
l84l		harm to my wit.
l85l	Sir Toby	No question.
l86l	Sir Andrew	An I thought that, I’d forswear it. I’ll ride
l87l		home tomorrow, Sir Toby.
l88l	Sir Toby	Pourquoi, my dear knight?
l89l	Sir Andrew	What is “Pourquoi”? Do, or not do? I would
l90l		I had bestowed that time in the tongues that I have
l91l		in fencing, dancing, and bear-baiting. O, had I but
l92l		followed the arts!
l93l	Sir Toby	Then hadst thou had an excellent head of hair.
l94l	Sir Andrew	Why, would that have mended my hair?
l95l	Sir Toby	Past question, for thou seest it will not curl by
l96l		nature.
l97l	Sir Andrew	But it becomes me well enough, does ’t not?
l98l	Sir Toby	Excellent, it hangs like flax on a distaff, and I
l99l		hope to see a housewife take thee between her legs and
l100l		spin it off.
l101l	Sir Andrew	Faith, I’ll home tomorrow, Sir Toby. Your
l102l		niece will not be seen, or if she be, it’s four to one
l103l		she’ll none of me. The Count himself here hard by woos
l104l		her.
l105l	Sir Toby	She’ll none o’ th’ Count. She’ll not match above
l106l		her degree, neither in estate, years, nor wit, I have
l107l		heard her swear ’t. Tut, there’s life in ’t, man.
l108l	Sir Andrew	I’ll stay a month longer. I am a fellow o’ th’
l109l		strangest mind i’ th’ world. I delight in masques and
l110l		revels sometimes altogether.
l111l	Sir Toby	Art thou good at these kickshawses, knight?
l112l	Sir Andrew	As any man in Illyria, whatsoever he be,
l113l		under the degree of my betters# and yet I will not
l114l		compare with an old man.
l115l	Sir Toby	What is thy excellence in a galliard, knight?
l116l	Sir Andrew	Faith, I can cut a caper.
l117l	Sir Toby	And I can cut the mutton to ’t.
l118l	Sir Andrew	And I think I have the back-trick simply as
l119l		strong as any man in Illyria.
l120l	Sir Toby	Wherefore are these things hid? Wherefore have
l121l		these gifts a curtain before ’em? Are they like to take
l122l		dust, like Mistress Mall’s picture? Why dost thou not
l123l		go to church in a galliard, and come home in a coranto?
l124l		My very walk should be a jig. I would not so much as
l125l		make water but in a cinquepace. What dost thou mean?
l126l		Is it a world to hide virtues in? I did think by the
l127l		excellent constitution of thy leg it was formed under
l128l		the star of a galliard.
l129l	Sir Andrew	Ay, ’tis strong, and it does indifferent well
l130l		in a divers-coloured stock. Shall we set about some
l131l		revels?
l132l	Sir Toby	What shall we do else—were we not born under
l133l		Taurus?
l134l	Sir Andrew	Taurus? That’s sides and heart.
l135l	Sir Toby	No, sir, it is legs and thighs: let me see thee
l136l		caper.
		(Sir Andrew capers)
l137l		Ha, higher! Ha ha, excellent.
		(Exeunt)